Yom
Kippur - Dying Well
Years
ago I worked for hospice, taking care of people who were dying. I attended to
one person at a time until the end. These were people who couldn’t afford a
nurse, but they really needed loving attentive care. These were families that
were stressed to their limits and often in a panic. My job was just to see and
do what was needed and to bring a calm centered presence to a situation that
seemed to be spinning out of control. My experience in doing this most
difficult yet inspiring work was one of the forces that contributed to my
calling as a rabbi.
And
what I learned as a companion to dying people is also exactly what I call on
now as I receive the spiritual challenge of Yom Kippur.
Rabbi Eliezer, one
of our great sages, taught his disciples, "Turn one day prior to your
death." And his students said to him, "Master, how can anyone know
what day is one day prior to their death?" And his response to them was,
"Therefore, turn today, because tomorrow you may die (Shabbat 153a)."
Yom Kippur is the
day when we face the fact that “tomorrow you may die,” and we face it so
directly that turning, doing T’shuvah, moves to the top of our agenda.
On Yom Kippur,
each of us can seriously contemplate the questions, “What would be left undone
if I died today?” and, “How can I live most fully in whatever time is left?”
My first challenge
in hospice work was not to be afraid. Only when I released my own fear of pain
and death, was it possible to just be present to the truth before me. My real
job was to bring a calm compassionate presence and then do the work that was
given in each moment, even when the job was messy, even when the one I was
serving couldn’t respond in gratefulness or appreciation, even when the
situation seemed tragic.
I learned that
when the human dimension of dying is nurtured, for many the transition from
life can become as profound, intimate and precious as the miracle of birth. Yom
Kippur marks our own transition from being stuck in the patterns of the past to
being born into new possibilities.
One way to nurture the human dimension of
the process of our dying is by finally allowing ourselves to be sad, to grieve,
to move through our suffering. When we can really grieve, then it is possible
to emerge from our suffering and fall into the waiting arms of our family and
friends. Suffering can become the catalyst for dying well, and for being born
into new connectivity. Sometimes our suffering may seem like the main obstacle
to knowing the presence of God in our lives. When Life feels terrible we often
just shut down, and close ourselves off from the possibility of Divine
Love. Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav looks into this same mystery and declares,
“In the very obstacle that blocks you from discovering God is precisely where
God is waiting to be discovered.”
In my work in
hospice I learned that dying from a progressive illness had provided the people
I served with opportunities to resolve and complete their relationships and to
get their affairs in order.
I noticed that the
requirement of dying well might also be applied to our work here for Yom
Kippur. Here are the requirements as I experience them, both for dying and for
moving through the passage of Yom Kippur:
The first is
saying, “I’m sorry,” asking for forgiveness…
We learn through
our mistakes. At the beginning of Yom Kippur we hear:
V’yomer Adonai, salachti keedvarecha
And Adonai said, I have pardoned them as you have
asked.
It is already a given on the Divine side
of the equation. As we come back into connection, there is a sadness in having
separated ourselves. We separate ourselves at times of anxiety, confusion,
unconsciousness. In saying “I’m sorry,” and feeling true remorse, we can begin
to learn from our mistakes. Only when we say “I’m sorry,” can we begin to
receive the gift of Divine forgiveness.
The second requirement for dying well: forgiving everyone- those who hurt you,
yourself, God, and life itself… Can you forgive life for not being what you
expected? Can you forgive Reality for constantly being in a state of flux? Can
you forgive everyone who has disappointed you? Can you forgive yourself for not
being the someone you thought you should be?
The third requirement for dying well: saying,
“I love you,” This is not a statement of information. It’s a practice of
encountering a miracle … uncovering a treasure that may lie buried inside your
heart. By saying, “I love you,” you dig up the treasure and let the light of
awareness shine on it; you gain access to the power of your own love, so that
it can move you in your actions and color your perceptions. Before my friend
Rick died of malignant melanoma, he wrote in his journal, “I only pray that at
the moment of Death my Love is stronger than my fear.” Our work is to keep on
strengthening and affirming our Love, reminding each other often in the words
of the Song of Songs, that “Love is as strong as Death.” Love is made stronger
through expression.
The fourth
requirement for dying well is acknowledging self-worth. You have been given a
gift of incomparable worth and beauty: This amazing life, your creative powers,
the ability to make meaning, ask questions, see beauty, nurture others. Can you
acknowledge all the gifts you have received and all the good you have done
simply by being your Self? Only when you realize how uniquely suited you are to
fulfill your own potential, can you step into the new Life that is set before
you.
The fifth requirement for dying well : saying
“good-by.” By saying the Kol Nidre prayer, we are disavowing our old patterns;
we’re saying goodbye to a way of being that wasn’t useful or life-affirming;
we’re saying “good-by” to limited horizons so that we can open to new
possibilities.
And the last
requirement is the willingness and courage to venture into the unknown.
Rebbe Nachman of Bratzlav once said, “All beginnings require that you
unlock a new door.” What will it take to unlock the door to who you are
becoming? Prayer? Laughter? Tears? Imagination? Dance? The words of our
Ancestors?
So here are the requirements for dying well, and for doing the work of
Yom Kippur:
Saying, “I’m sorry.”
Forgiving.
Saying, “I love
you.”
Acknowledging
self-worth
Saying,
“Good-by.”
Stepping
courageously into the Unknown.
Can we use this
time that we are together for Yom Kippur which really is a 26 hour retreat, to
address these requirements, to die well to the old self that we were, and enter
into a new life, re-born, re-inspired and renewed?
Today we die
together to old habits and step towards rebirth and renewal. Yom Kippur commemorates
the startling moment when the High Priest enters the Holy of Holies and then
emerges with the power of purification for the whole of